Hearing the Negative Louder Than the Positive
For several years now, I've made a conscious effort to be overwhelmingly positive and optimistic. As a once-proud pessimist, this is something I have to work at daily. It's also something I feel I've gotten pretty good at.
Most of the time.
And then, someone will give me negative feedback. This can be about something I've done, something I've created, or something I've only been marginally associated with.
Suddenly, my positivity is down the drain. I'm obviously the worst person ever, unable to do anything right, and everything I've ever created is crap.
I thought my tendency to hear the negative louder than the positive was just proof that I might never fully overcome my pessimistic tendencies.
Today, I learned there's actually a scientific reason for this.
All the way back in the 1970s, Dr. Robert Levenson and Dr. John Gottman studied the differences between happy and unhappy couples. They concluded happily married couples have a praise-to-criticism ratio of 5 to 1, meaning the happiest couples gave five times as much praise as criticism to each other.
This research has been repeated in other relationships, too: children, business colleagues, and would-be writers (ahem) all respond best when praise is offered at least four times as often as criticism. And a 4 to 1 ratio really only balances the scales. In order for most people to feel truly happy in their relationships, a ratio of at least 5 to 1 is needed, pretty much across the board.
My conclusion? My tendency to hear the negative louder than the positive doesn't mean I'm a failed optimist (is that even a thing?) It means I'm - gasp! - normal.
It also means I need to pay closer attention to the praise I am given, rather than doing my signature "aw, shucks, it's nothing" move and sweeping it under the rug.
Maybe hearing the negative louder than the positive - even when praise is given regularly - isn't something I can learn to overcome. I don't know. But I do know the next time I head down the negativity drain I will stop and ask myself why I am hearing the negative louder when there is more than enough praise in my life to offset it.
Most of the time.
And then, someone will give me negative feedback. This can be about something I've done, something I've created, or something I've only been marginally associated with.
Suddenly, my positivity is down the drain. I'm obviously the worst person ever, unable to do anything right, and everything I've ever created is crap.
I thought my tendency to hear the negative louder than the positive was just proof that I might never fully overcome my pessimistic tendencies.
Today, I learned there's actually a scientific reason for this.
All the way back in the 1970s, Dr. Robert Levenson and Dr. John Gottman studied the differences between happy and unhappy couples. They concluded happily married couples have a praise-to-criticism ratio of 5 to 1, meaning the happiest couples gave five times as much praise as criticism to each other.
This research has been repeated in other relationships, too: children, business colleagues, and would-be writers (ahem) all respond best when praise is offered at least four times as often as criticism. And a 4 to 1 ratio really only balances the scales. In order for most people to feel truly happy in their relationships, a ratio of at least 5 to 1 is needed, pretty much across the board.
My conclusion? My tendency to hear the negative louder than the positive doesn't mean I'm a failed optimist (is that even a thing?) It means I'm - gasp! - normal.
It also means I need to pay closer attention to the praise I am given, rather than doing my signature "aw, shucks, it's nothing" move and sweeping it under the rug.
Maybe hearing the negative louder than the positive - even when praise is given regularly - isn't something I can learn to overcome. I don't know. But I do know the next time I head down the negativity drain I will stop and ask myself why I am hearing the negative louder when there is more than enough praise in my life to offset it.
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